Frequently Asked Questions about Drinking, Sobriety and Getting Support
We know how daunting it can feel to reach out for support, particularly in early sobriety.
We know because we've been there too.
Here are some of the questions we're frequently asked about drinking, getting sober and finding
support. We hope the answers make taking that first step feel a little easier.
I'm worried about my drinking
How do I know if I have a problem with alcohol? Sometimes the question isn't simply how much you drink. It is how much space drinking takes up in your thoughts and your life. Are you regularly promising yourself that you won't drink and then changing your mind? Are you trying to control how much you drink? Do you worry about things you've said or done after drinking? Do you spend mornings regretting the night before? Do you wake up in the night with anxiety around your drinking? Have you started wondering what your life would be like without alcohol? You don't need to wait until things become worse before you make a change. If alcohol is causing you concern, there is no shame in reaching out for help.
Do I have to call myself an alcoholic?
No. You don’t need to use any particular label to be part of SOS. Some of our members describe themselves as alcoholics and others don’t. We aren’t here to decide what you should call yourself or to diagnose your relationship with alcohol. If you know that drinking isn’t working for you anymore and you want support to live without it, that’s enough for us.
I’ve tried cutting down before. Why do I always end up back where I started?
You might have tried drinking only at weekends, taking a few days off, setting yourself a limit or promising that this time will be different. And perhaps it works for a while, until you find yourself back in the same place again. Many of us at SOS know what that feels like. We spent a lot of time trying to change the way we drank before eventually deciding to stop altogether. SOS is an abstinence based community, so our focus isn’t on helping women to control or cut down their drinking. We’re here to support women who want to live without alcohol. For many of us, that decision removed a battle we’d been having with ourselves for a very long time.
Why do I keep drinking when I don't want to?
Knowing that you don't want to drink and actually not drinking can feel like two completely different things. You can wake up determined that today will be different and find yourself drinking again that evening. It can be incredibly frustrating, particularly when you genuinely meant it when you said you weren't going to drink. Alcohol can become tied to routines, emotions, stress, socialising, reward and escape. Changing your relationship with it can therefore involve much more than simply deciding not to pour a drink. This is one of the reasons community can matter. You don't have to work all of this out on your own.
I'm thinking about getting sober
How do I stop drinking? There isn't one single way to become sober. Some women find support through recovery communities. Some use professional services. Some read everything they can find about alcohol and sobriety. Many combine different kinds of support. At SOS we believe connection with other women can be an important part of that process. You can attend our free online meetings, join our community and take part in our free courses. You don't need to wait until you feel confident about sobriety before you join us. In fact, you can arrive feeling completely unsure. Important: If you drink heavily every day, experience withdrawal symptoms, or think you may be physically dependent on alcohol, suddenly stopping can be dangerous. Please seek medical advice before stopping. SOS provides peer support and community, not medical treatment.
Do I have to decide that I'll never drink again?
You don't need to have the rest of your life worked out today. The idea of "forever" can feel enormous when you're contemplating sobriety. You can come to SOS without having all the answers. What matters is that while participating in our community, you understand that SOS is abstinence based. Our support is centered around living alcohol free rather than moderating drinking. For some women, thinking about today is far more manageable than trying to imagine every birthday, holiday, wedding and Christmas for the rest of their lives.
What is early sobriety like?
It varies enormously. There can be relief and pride, but there can also be tiredness, irritability, cravings, boredom, sadness and a slightly unsettling feeling of not knowing what you're supposed to do with yourself. Things that previously revolved around drinking can suddenly feel unfamiliar. That's one reason it can help to know other sober women. Sometimes you'll share something you thought was just you, only to discover half the room has done exactly the same thing.
How do I socialise without alcohol?
At first, it can feel strange. You might worry that everyone will notice what you're drinking, ask questions or think you're boring. You may also discover that being around very drunk people feels different when you're sober. You don't have to master every social situation immediately. Some women avoid certain situations in early sobriety. Others leave events earlier, take their own alcohol free drinks or make sure they have a way to leave when they've had enough. Over time, socialising without drinking can become completely normal.
What if my partner or friends still drink?
Getting sober doesn't automatically make everybody around you sober too. This can be difficult, particularly if drinking has always been something you've done together. You may need new boundaries. You may need to explain what helps and what doesn't. And you may sometimes need support from people who understand your decision in a way that friends or family who still drink cannot. You cannot control somebody else's relationship with alcohol. You can protect your own.
What if I drink again after stopping?
Come back. A return to drinking doesn't erase the alcohol free days that came before it and it doesn't mean you are incapable of getting sober. Shame can make people disappear from support at exactly the moment they need it. At SOS we ask members to be honest, and we don't allow women to participate in our meetings or community while under the influence. But having drunk does not mean you are no longer welcome. You can start again.
I'm looking for sober support
Where can I find free sobriety support for women? The SOS Collective provides free online sobriety support for women. Our community includes women from the UK, Ireland, the USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Europe and beyond. We currently run nine free online support meetings each week, as well as free courses and other community support. There is no membership fee to belong to SOS. Everything we provide is free.
Is AA the only option if I want to stop drinking?
Not at all. AA has helped millions of people around the world and continues to provide an extraordinary source of support and community for many people. But there isn’t one single way to get sober. Some women find everything they need in AA. Others find that a different kind of sober community suits them better, and some use several different forms of support. SOS is one of those options. We’re a free, abstinence based community for women, built around connection, conversation and shared experience. We don’t use the Twelve Steps and you don’t need to identify as an alcoholic. Instead, we have our SOS Principles, which offer a guide for navigating sobriety and the challenges that can come with it. Some women in SOS also attend AA or use other recovery communities and services. We’re not here to tell you which route you should take. We’re here if SOS happens to be one of the places that helps you.
What happens at an SOS online sobriety meeting?
Our Zoom meetings are hosted by one of our brilliant hosts, who will begin with a short reading before opening the floor for our community to share. We know joining a meeting for the first time can feel intimidating, so you don't have to speak and you don't have to turn your camera on. You are completely welcome to just listen. Sometimes hearing other women talk openly about experiences you recognise can be just as valuable as sharing yourself. Different hosts bring their own personalities to meetings, but the principle is always the same: women supporting women in sobriety.
Is SOS really free?
Yes. Our regular online support meetings, courses and SOS community are free. We believe cost shouldn't prevent a woman from being able to find connection and support in sobriety. SOS is supported by donations from people who want to help us continue providing that community.
Can I join SOS from anywhere in the world?
Absolutely. SOS is an international community. Our members and hosts live in different parts of the world and our meetings are online. We love the diversity that this brings to the community.
Can I join if I've only just stopped drinking?
Yes. You don't need a certain number of sober days before you come to SOS. Day one counts. So does day 100. So does year five. And if you've had lots of day ones before, you can still come. We won't ask you what your day count is, but if you wish to share it with us, we are always happy to hear. You don't have to do this alone You don't have to wait until your drinking gets worse. You don't have to find the perfect label for yourself. And you don't have to be completely certain about what the rest of your life will look like. If you want to live without alcohol, or you've already started and would like other women around you who understand, you are welcome at The SOS Collective. Join one of our free online sobriety support meetings and meet women from around the world who are doing this too.
A note about medical support
The SOS Collective is a peer support community and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, detoxification or treatment. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous for people who are physically dependent on alcohol. If you think this may apply to you, please speak to a doctor or appropriate alcohol service before suddenly stopping drinking. If you are experiencing a medical emergency, seek urgent medical help.